Harmony

That word means many things to many people.  To me, it means grandmother.  More specifically, my mother's mother.  I know, Korean's do things a little differently :)

It's only been five months but there really haven't been many moments where her absence hasn't been felt. 

I recently went home for a visit and it took me a little while to feel comfortable.  I really kept looking over my shoulder expecting her smiling face to come walking up the road like she had every other time before.  I mean, I know she's gone.  I do know this but it's like my heart just won't allow it to be real yet.  More importantly, I don't want it to be real. 

Life is a cruel task master.

I don't remember the exact moment I first met her but there was that distinct occurrence.   She came to visit from Korea and then she just never left.  She didn't speak a word of English and I didn't speak a word of Korean, yet it never hindered us.  We ended up with a lot of fun, silly vocabulary words, some that have replaced proper words for us! 

I have definitely been blessed to have had so many grandparents in my life.  I loved every single one of them equally and I miss them all every day.  But there was something special about Harmony.

If I carry one regret in this lifetime, it will be that I should have but never did learn to speak Korean so I could tell my grandmother that I loved her in her own language.  She deserved that.

I love and miss you Harmony!

Life at this moment...

There are so many people in this world that do not give one second to thinking of someone other than themselves.  And while I don't claim to be saintly, I would like to think I, at least, try to adhere to the principals and morals my mother lashed into me.  Do unto others, as would be done unto you etc.  And whatever the hell happened to compassion?

Clashes of personality.  In this twisted life and fucked up world we live in, this happens a lot.  More than anyone, in their right mind certainly would like.  I have just made a decision, that while I will not regret, hated with every fiber of my being.  I found though, one's mental health is more important than a paycheck. I just left a situation that was more mental and emotional war zone then happy fun time.  I came up against someone who thought one-uping someone was a mark of a good sales person.  That being a power hungry know-it-all and having a schizophrenic mentality was just par for the course. Say what?!

I loved my job.  Granted, I have been blessed with an amazing husband that gives me the ability to not have to work.  I chose to get out and find something to keep me mentally challenged or maybe it was just entertained.  Ok, it was wine, so yeah, entertained.  Or is that smashed??  Who knows? And certainly, extra money is something no one ever says no to.  

I really do understand that I'm not going to like everyone around me and yes, not everyone is going to like me.  Duh!  However, I wonder, is it really so hard to try to not be a douche all the time?  Bitter? Me? Oh no! Yes, this is me totally de-evolving into a pubescent.

We live in a totally apathetic world.  Where it is ok to treat others poorly simply because you feel like it.  All for purely selfish gain.  We live in a society where it's always someone else's fault.  Where it's actually ok to not accept responsibility for one's own actions.  Where finding a way around something instead of moving forward to face a challenge head on with grace and poise is the expected behavior.  It didn't used to be this way.  There are days when I think I wasn't meant to live in this day and age.  And while the past was not perfect and was harder in so many ways, the foundations of people were still good as a society.  Yes, I know there were miscreants even then but they were not the norm.

Ugh! Ok, I'll stop with the depressing talk about the state of the world we live in.  But yeah, that's where my head was a couple of months ago... Hmm what next...gaming, nerdism, heehee, who knows... Welcome to the crazy world of Karen!

Blarg!

I just wanted to preemptively apologize for the foaming at the mouth that is about to be forthcoming.  I had started 4 posts awhile ago and have only now found the emotional fortitude to finish them.

Wait...who am I kidding?  No one reads me...

The 'C' Word

I started this months ago, but could not seem to bring myself to finish it...I don't know if this constitutes as "finished" but here it is.

I came across someone's blog chronicling their battle with cancer.  Postings were done both, by husband and wife.  I only managed to get through about four of them before I broke down.  One of the things that struck me in the blog was the wife saying "everyone keeps asking how I am, yet I have no answer".  There are and never will be any words that can convey this experience, at any time.  Not before, during or even after. 

I know because I am a cancer survivor's wife.

When someone asks me about our experience with this, I literally break out in cold sweats.  Even as I write this, tears stream down my face.  Just typing those words have the ability to almost break me yet again.  I am eternally grateful and obscenely lucky to  have my spouse with me still.  I know far too many that can not say the same.  This is one experience in life I wholeheartedly wished I had no part of.

It all started with a weird pain and "something weird" on one of his testicles, which he hadn't told me of for weeks.  When he finally did come to me, I immediately hit the internet.  It's always the same - you can find symptom lists to match everything wrong with you, or nothing at all.  Not taking any chances, I called the Urologist to make an appointment.  "I'm sorry, the doctor is booked for three months." "I"m sorry, my husband might have cancer." "Yes, we can see him, tomorrow at 1:00".  Oy!  I think it was at that point, where I started floating above myself and watched everything from a very weird and shadowed place.

First diagnosis, infection, because "cancer does not come with pain".  Well, we're here to tell you otherwise.  It can.  Fluke...maybe, but still can.  Free advice - don't accept what a doctor says if it goes against your gut feeling simply because he's a doctor.  Challenge them, they're not always right.  Stand up for your body!  It's yours.  You have the right.   At that point, we figured, at best it is an infection, ok simple.  At worst, it is cancer, which we would be catching early, so let's try the antibiotics and see what it does.  Needless, to say, it was not an infection and the antibiotics were nasty.  It then became a hurry up and wait and so many questions.  Argh!!  Surgery - was it successful?  Did it spread? What about this?  What about that?  How, what, who, when, huh?!!  Needless to say, after chemo, and many, many sleepless nights, we all came out the other side...alive.  

That's just the physical side.

Emotionally is where it hurts the most.  Well it did for me anyway.  It fundamentally changed who I was.  I didn't know who I was anymore.  My life was shattered.  My confidence was gone.  I had been so far thrown off my path and I was in utter confusion.  Living in despair and chaos, even for a few months, will abjectly change your perspective.  My internal barometer was so far out of whack and I had lost my  referendum for "north".   I didn't know how to right it.  I was no longer comfortable in my own skin and who ever I had been was clawing their way out of me from the inside, shredding every ounce of my sanity along the way.  I can only imagine, as someone's reading this wondering "can it really be that bad?".  Yes, yes it can and is and was and always will be.  This is one experience that can not be fluffed off by any platitude or made light by anything.  Cancer is devastating.  Period.  We need to find a cure!! 

Five years later and Geoff has been given the "all clear".  A day we marked in remembrance and awe.  Five years marks the "official" out of the woods for recurrence zone.  Thankfully, Geoff's physical scars faded along with our children's emotional scars.  Me? With therapy, a great family, many good friends and good husband, have managed to set me to rights again.  Well, as right as I'll ever can be :) but not without paying a cost I would rather not have given.  I'm still very twitchy about it and I think I might always be that way.  My experience with cancer, unfortunately, sometimes even overshadows the happiest moments in my life (in my mind).  It tainted me and for that I will be forever pissed.

I fervently hope that when I'm old and gray (oops forget that, will never be "gray") that I won't feel the sharp stab of pain when it's mentioned.  But I'm not holding my breath...


Forever, we will be eternally thankful for, all the wonderful doctors at Sharp Res-Stealy and Sharp Memorial Hospital in San Diego.  They were amazing.  In particular, Dr. Shankar Sundaram.  His optimism and knowledge of oncology kept both of us in the right frame of mind and helped us walk a terrifying path in life with ease (take that with a very large grain of salt).


 

Does Anyone Parent Anymore?

You always hear about parents complaining about the "terrible twos" and any other age under the age of ten. Honestly, I found those to be great years! You are literally watching the little person you helped create unfold before your very eyes. What is more wondrous than that?

Anything that falls under the toddler years, to me, are time consuming but not "parent" consuming. Meaning - (well hopefully the time consuming part is self-explanatory) as a parent not all of your brain cells are required to parent a two-year old! Seriously, the litany of "don't touch that honey, you'll burn yourself" and "hey, come back here" really aren't a big deal. Yes, you get tired of being a parrot, I mean parent, in those times. At best you feel like making a recording and just hitting play occasionally but really can mail in the performance.

I've found that parenting teenagers requires one to pull out all the stops, especially in brain cell output requirement. Not only are you parent, but you need to be soothsayer, spy, all sorts of instructors, zoo keeper, cool friend, and well, the list goes on too long to keep going.

I've heard people say that when their kids hit the teen years they are cleared for take off. I can't tell you how untrue that statement is on so many levels. The second they hit teen number of any kind is when the switch gets flipped into "I'm invincible" and the "I know everything" modes. The attitudes become flippant and grating and all of a sudden the parent is on full scramble mode. This is the time when they are truly facing something that could impact the rest of their lives and quite possibly destroy it in one unfortunate, misinformed, unguided decision. Teen drinking, driving, pregnancy, drug use, stds, holy cow, I just don't want to add any more to this list but rest assured it's not remotely done.

I am not in any way suggesting that you lock your kid up, even though the idea has merit. What I am saying is, now is when we have to be parents. Too many times, I see parents don't know what the kids have on their Facebook pages or cell phones or computers or...again list could go on. Yet, when they finally happen across objectionable content, they blame the dispenser of the information versus parenting their children!!! The whole Apple stuff going on with them removing "sexy" content simply because parents failed. A child gets bitten after instigating the dog, but it's the dogs fault, not the parents. Really? Yes, really. This is the kind of bullshit that goes on in our society today. OH! But I forget, it's not chic to take responsibility for oneself and pfft! Teach that to our children. Neva!!

I take my one true, full time, never ending job so seriously there are days when my heart aches in terror for my children and for myself. Am I strong enough, smart enough, do I love my kids enough to do pull this off? How the hell am I supposed to help them navigate so many terrors in the world today? (No, not the war kind just the average backyard teen kind) Have I given them enough tools to stand on their own as responsible adults heading out on their own?

I don't have the answers to those questions, I really don't, but what I do have is the wear-with-all to try, and the understanding to know that I have to keep trying...even when its me, the parent, that fails.

Have truck, will travel

So, the venue has changed and it would be the understatement of a lifetime to say that it was the only thing.

Where to begin... Well, I am no longer in So Cal. We made the trek South East and now live in beautiful state of Tennessee.
There were so many reasons that went into this move. Most were poo pooed by those close to us, mostly out of want to not see us go but still...
We first came to Middle Tennessee to visit a group of friends. It was the first week in May and just absolutely drop dead gorgeous. The weather was perfection and the company even better. We stayed at the Marriott Cool Springs (nice hotel). It was just a great trip. The two things I remember the most vividly was, as we were flying over the airport getting ready to land was how green everything was and all the water ways and how at peace I felt here. Not that any of this was the driving reasons for the move. After a wonderful and very memorable (and more than a little drunk) weekend, Geoff and I went back to our lives in San Diego. Geoff's job was great, the kids were thriving, we were putting the finishing touches on our home and landscaping, all was well. Then devastation struck and we lost a very important figure in our lives. Geoff's father finally succumbed to renal cancer. Life seemed a little off after that. Even then, that's still not the single reason but definitely a marked point.
I think both Geoff and I, even though both of us having lived the bulk of our lives in California, were not natives and in our hearts felt like we needed to be some where else. Well, I know I did...
He had been suggesting that we get the hell out of dodge for years, but places like AZ, and NV (sorry guys but serious *gag*) and TX (that one would be over my dead body!!).
I remember after George's funeral, we were sitting around our newly landscaped backyard drinking a glass of wine talking about the what ifs and pretty much that was the lifting of the flood gates. I started doing research online about real estate, taxes, weather, school system, real estate, real estate, oh sorry, did I mention real estate? I know I mentioned taxes in there somewhere, NO STATE INCOME TAX!!! Just overall, there were so many benefits that outweighed the negative. And we left so much behind. I hope no one thinks for one moment that it was easy to do but the need for a change was just so much greater.
Geoff was able to keep his job (thank goodness), we were fortunately in a position where we could leave when we wanted. So we did. We bought a house in gorgeous Brentwood, TN and we were on our way.
I lost my train of thought, which you will find I often do. I will finish this later but it is a our new beginning...

These are my sisters. The best in the whole world! All of us were together this Labor Day weekend. Just wanted to share this...

I have no idea where this will lead. I don't usually have any profound anythings to say :)